No Matter What

Cancer dialogue is different than regular verbiage. Gone are the days when I mindlessly used blanket phrases of comfort on someone like, “It’s going to be ok.” You can bet when I look into the eyes of someone with cancer now, I really think about the words I speak. Because there are so many kinds of cancer, and so many different stages and outcomes, the results of treatments are NOT the same for any two people. It’s very difficult to assure someone who has just been diagnosed- that “Everything will be fine.” Everyone has their own interpretation too. In the beginning stages of Jace’s cancer, when someone would say “It’s going to be ok” to me, I would think in my mind, “You don’t know that.” People would say to me, “Hang in there,” and I would bitterly think, “Hang in where?” …Because “OK” to me meant that Jace would miraculously be found cancer free…or he wouldn’t have to suffer…EVER. In my ignorance, my faith was based on the outcome *I* thought should come to pass. Maybe I shouldn’t admit to my gloomy thought process, but I’m being honest when I explain that I’ve learned a few things over the months about what comes out of my mouth and what I think in my mind. I’ve also had to repent that I didn’t have more faith in the Atonement and more hope for the PEACE it offers on this earth. In other words, I forgot to see the BIG picture- and I failed to see that life on this earth is just a small portion of the eternal realm.


The reality is, my faith has been tested, and I’ve been blessed with the testimony that everything IS going to be ok, NO MATTER WHAT. I have such a firm resolve that if we add that phrase to the end of every phrase of hope, we can allow the Savior to take over and make everything “OK.”

Jace only missed 4 and 1/2 days of school with chemo this time, and he is mostly enjoying regular life as a 7 year old. His legs aren’t quite as fast as he plays flag football, and his “juke” isn’t quite the same as it used to be, but we’ll take it! I silently said a prayer of thanks at his game last night, that Jace was on the field and doing something he loved. It didn't matter that we lost in OT, and it didn't matter that he missed a few flags. Jace was running, and that was huge. He was also smiling, with a head FULL of hair! It's funny how priorities change, right?

We’ve given away a few more cancer bags, which means we’ve made more friends who are fighting cancer. I find myself adding names to my personal prayers daily, and I feel so close to families dealing with the ugly disease. I get to donate blood today after school, and when Jace found out he said, “Mom! Are you going to be ok?” I think he remembers from the last time I donated, my pale skin, blue lips, and shaky hands! ha!  I told him if he can fight cancer, I can at least give up a little blood. He smiled and patted my hand. "I'll go with you," he said. I sure love that kid.

Besides, I can't worry.  Because, it WILL be ok…NO MATTER WHAT!:)