Unfortunately this mind search came from being caught off guard
by a cancer conversation I didn’t ask for. Many times people will approach our family
with their ‘cancer story.’ Often Jace will be with me, and the topic turns to
who recently died from cancer. He’ll grab my hand silently and squeeze it.
Together we look for a way to bolt—to just sprint away-- but many times we hear
the worst before we can escape. I’m not sure what people are thinking when they
spit out the words death, dying, died, in front of Jace. Come on people, right?
Luckily when I was accosted last night I was alone. Basically a total stranger who knows nothing
about me or my Jace told me I was a bad mom for allowing Jace to have
chemotherapy. She said, “When you really want to do the right thing, educate
yourself and find out what really kills cancer- because it’s not chemo. His
cancer will come back. You can count on that.”
She said more, but I’ll spare you the details…
I stood there in shock, and felt like someone had just repeatedly
hit me in the stomach. After realizing
she wasn’t letting up I mumbled something (no idea what), and walked away. I managed to make it to my car before the
sobs came…and a few hours later I realized maybe I just needed a good cry. Why did I allow someone I didn’t know make me
feel so horrible? Especially when Matt
and I have done everything we can to do the right things for Jace.
Then I found the fitting phrase in my brain. It was about crying. “...Cry about the simple hell people give other
people—without even thinking.” It comes from To Kill a Mockingbird by
Harper Lee. In the context of the book,
a child is crying, and an adult explains why. I actually think it’s ‘mindless hell’ that
people give—because mostly, people just don’t think about what they are saying…
they can’t be thinking, correct? …Because nobody in their right mind would purposely infer
to a 9 year old (or his mom) that his cancer won’t go away…
 |
| (Jace on Crazy Socks day at school) |
By the way, thanks again for the nice comments lately, ha ha. I appreciate them. You'd think it would get easier to get through this with time, but I'm still so weak. I really do love knowing you are out there.
Love you all.
