"Beautiful Heartbreak"

I’ve been getting the head tilt from people lately. They look at me, tilt their heads, and ask gingerly, “How are you? Are you ok?” I think this is my clue to get over myself and to quit evoking pity. Although I fear I have reached an all-time sadness low (I think maybe arising from exhaustion and fear), I recognize I have so many things for which to be grateful.

Hayden stayed home with Jace Tuesday (he wasn’t quite ready to brave an entire school day yet) so Matt and I could both go to work.  In the middle of the day though, Hayden had a dentist appointment. He was to have a baby tooth pulled that just wouldn’t fall out… I explained to Jace that he could go to an uncle or aunt’s for an hour, or he could go with Hayden.  He replied, “Well, Hayden might need me with him, right?” Although Hayden wasn’t nervous at all, Jace knew the importance of having someone by your side. 

As I picked them both up from the dentist’s office on my lunch break, I inquired, “How did it go, Hayden??!? Are you ok?” 

Hayden answered, “I thought you were there.”

I said, “What? I’ve been teaching. I’m only now on my lunch break. Why did you think I was there?”

He replied, “Because when they started pulling my tooth, someone was rubbing my leg. I thought it was you, but then after it was over, I realized it was Jace.”

Jace went to the dentist with Hayden. He insisted on ‘going back’ with him, and when it seemed like it might be painful, Jace stood by Hayden and comforted him. Jace is 9 years old.

…As I was holding Jace last week after chemo…rubbing his legs and feet so they wouldn’t ache…keeping him close so he knew I was there…watching him toss and turn to get comfortable…my heart literally felt broken.

Ironically the same evening, I received an email with the words to an incredible song, “Beautiful Heartbreak” by Hilary Weeks. There is also a video for the song that is powerful.  I read and watched tearfully. (Thank you Roberta.)

Often I question. I wonder…and when I’m really tired, I resent trials (don’t judge :)). It is heartbreaking to watch Jace go through this fight (and heartbreaking to watch Hayden watch Jace go through this fight)…  Then I think, would Jace have been so tender to his brother at the dentist’s had he not endured such difficult trials himself? Would my boys understand so deeply the meaning of taking care of someone and never quitting them? Are we all really going to be better for this experience? 

Cancer breaks hearts…and brings brothers together.  Hayden and Jace are enduring something kids shouldn’t have to go through.  It’s heartbreaking, and once in a while at the dentist’s office, it’s beautiful…Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't  THAT something to tilt your head about? :)

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