Lately, I have had the annoying impression that I need to open
Jace’s cancer blog again, although it is still quite difficult for me to look
back on and read. Reliving the experience is uncomfortable and heart wrenching.
Erring on the side of detachment and denial, I convince myself that I can lock
our story away, pretend it didn’t happen, and put up a façade of infallible strength.
I even detach myself from other cancer stories because, quite honestly, I don’t
have the emotional energy to go through it one more time. Denial takes over
when I have impressions to share. Faithful Jace blog followers continually encourage
me to open the blog again, but I talk myself out of it by saying (sometimes outloud):
“Really? Who cares?”
But then once in a
while (like last night), Jace quietly asks…
“Hey Mom, did I almost die?”
And I have to respond, “Yes, honey, almost.”
And then Jace pauses for a few seconds to let it sink in,
and he asks even more reverently, “Why didn’t I?”
And I have to pause, because emotion floods my eyes, and I
try to explain to him that I don’t know why some cancer patients return to
Heavenly Father quicker than others. I try to explain to Jace how maybe he still has a
purpose on this earth to fulfill. I try to explain that his courage through
treatment encouraged others, and he didn’t go through his battle alone. A lot
of people learned and grew with him, and a lot of people can still find
strength in his story. I explain to him how he still has an army behind him who
grew to love him through his battle, and who still silently watch him grow and
achieve.
So, because it won’t leave me, and because Jace has a story,
and because Hayden has a story too, and people still want to know… Surprise! Here’s
a blog update.
Jace started 7th grade this year. It's pretty awesome for him to be in a school where he's never been the cancer kid. He loves baseball and football. He still takes care of his momma, and he sits close to me when we watch movies together. He loves to hunt with his dad and hang out with Hayden. He's brilliant, bossy, and beautiful... But of course I will always think so. He's an excellent student, and he's in 8th grade math. He loves his cousins and his baseball families.
Jace started 7th grade this year. It's pretty awesome for him to be in a school where he's never been the cancer kid. He loves baseball and football. He still takes care of his momma, and he sits close to me when we watch movies together. He loves to hunt with his dad and hang out with Hayden. He's brilliant, bossy, and beautiful... But of course I will always think so. He's an excellent student, and he's in 8th grade math. He loves his cousins and his baseball families.
I can also finally talk about Jace without totally
crying (Jenny Steiner, I know you don’t believe that by the way I cried a
little Wednesday as Jace ran in another touchdown…haha). Mostly I cry grateful tears (@ least once a week) that our Ironman is upright. It has taken this long after his treatments for me to open up, but I want to share and be here if anyone needs me. I’m so grateful for
the support we felt during Jace’s treatments, and then through Joan’s, and now
through my dad’s. Although it has taken
six years to finally be ‘almost emotionally stable’ enough to be a resource…I’m
here if you need me.:)
Oh, and thanks to
the experiences of a great mother-in-law and an incredible dad, I now
understand other kinds of cancers too…so yeah. I’m kind of an expert.;) Please
comment, message me on FB, or find me on the sidelines at a game if you ever want to talk.
Love you all.
Amy
