Squaring UP!

Jace still has pain at his appendectomy site.  Also, his worst side effect from chemotherapy always occurs in his legs and feet. After treatments, he has so much pain even getting out of bed in the mornings and putting his feet on the ground.  Usually the pain wears off as he gets going, but it is painful to watch him take his first 20 steps of the day. 

Naturally I didn’t think he’d want to attend his baseball scrimmage Saturday morning. (He can’t even swing a bat yet!) After a few tears of frustration when he realized how badly his legs hurt--  particularly his right ankle, we rubbed down both legs and feet, and he showered off his frustration.  When he emerged again his face had a new glow and look of determination. I knew we were playing baseball today!

“You can’t swing a bat, you realize…” I gently reminded him as he came downstairs in his baseball pants and jersey.  He dropped his chin to his chest and thought about this for a second.  I defended my position:  “Honey, it really will hurt you…”

“Do you think Coach will let me play even if I can’t bat?” he questioned. “Or better yet!” he exclaimed. “Maybe I could just BUNT!” I kissed him on the cheek and told him he could ask his coach if that was a possibility…

When we arrived at the field, Jace crawled out of the car, glove in hand. Hayden and I watched him take two forced, slow steps toward the dugout, which turned into two quicker ones.  Then he was jogging a rough, baby horse kind of jog-- which looked like each foot wouldn’t quite pick up until the last second.  Hayden and I looked at each other and smiled.  What a kid.

By the end of the game he was running fluidly. My guess is that not a soul could have known what a struggle it was for him to be there.  He successfully bunted twice, and solidly fielded his positions of 3^rd base and shortstop.  My trained mother’s eyes noticed he walked and ran on his toes most of the game.

In baseball the bunt is often characterized by the batter turning his body toward the pitcher and sliding one hand up the barrel of the bat to help steady it. This is called "squaring up." In other words, it really is when the batter turns toward the opposition and says, “Bring it on.”

“Squaring up” also seems to be a skill for cancer patients. I know with Jace, he has accepted the concept that he has to look his treatments in the face, and steady himself for the onslaught of the battle. We see that often actually…and we definitely saw it Saturday.:) 

Thank you for your sweet comments.

Love you all.

We can do this. 

"Beautiful Heartbreak"

I’ve been getting the head tilt from people lately. They look at me, tilt their heads, and ask gingerly, “How are you? Are you ok?” I think this is my clue to get over myself and to quit evoking pity. Although I fear I have reached an all-time sadness low (I think maybe arising from exhaustion and fear), I recognize I have so many things for which to be grateful.

Hayden stayed home with Jace Tuesday (he wasn’t quite ready to brave an entire school day yet) so Matt and I could both go to work.  In the middle of the day though, Hayden had a dentist appointment. He was to have a baby tooth pulled that just wouldn’t fall out… I explained to Jace that he could go to an uncle or aunt’s for an hour, or he could go with Hayden.  He replied, “Well, Hayden might need me with him, right?” Although Hayden wasn’t nervous at all, Jace knew the importance of having someone by your side. 

As I picked them both up from the dentist’s office on my lunch break, I inquired, “How did it go, Hayden??!? Are you ok?” 

Hayden answered, “I thought you were there.”

I said, “What? I’ve been teaching. I’m only now on my lunch break. Why did you think I was there?”

He replied, “Because when they started pulling my tooth, someone was rubbing my leg. I thought it was you, but then after it was over, I realized it was Jace.”

Jace went to the dentist with Hayden. He insisted on ‘going back’ with him, and when it seemed like it might be painful, Jace stood by Hayden and comforted him. Jace is 9 years old.

…As I was holding Jace last week after chemo…rubbing his legs and feet so they wouldn’t ache…keeping him close so he knew I was there…watching him toss and turn to get comfortable…my heart literally felt broken.

Ironically the same evening, I received an email with the words to an incredible song, “Beautiful Heartbreak” by Hilary Weeks. There is also a video for the song that is powerful.  I read and watched tearfully. (Thank you Roberta.)

Often I question. I wonder…and when I’m really tired, I resent trials (don’t judge :)). It is heartbreaking to watch Jace go through this fight (and heartbreaking to watch Hayden watch Jace go through this fight)…  Then I think, would Jace have been so tender to his brother at the dentist’s had he not endured such difficult trials himself? Would my boys understand so deeply the meaning of taking care of someone and never quitting them? Are we all really going to be better for this experience? 

Cancer breaks hearts…and brings brothers together.  Hayden and Jace are enduring something kids shouldn’t have to go through.  It’s heartbreaking, and once in a while at the dentist’s office, it’s beautiful…Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't  THAT something to tilt your head about? :)

Love you all...
Thank you for staying with us.
We can do this!

More of the Same

Chemo was Wednesday. Jace is home again and ok. I'm out of words today.  I'll try to write soon.

Home!

On his way out!:)

We brought Jace home yesterday afternoon, and we had an awesome day today! His fever is staying low grade, and we are REALLY crossing our fingers that we don't have to go back to the hospital this weekend.

Jace home at last, with his buddy Dayton

I knew this morning that our feisty Jace was returning to us when he faked like he was putting the thermometer in his mouth, and actually he was resting it on the outside of the cheek I couldn't see.:)  When his temp came back low at 97.1 I looked at him in surprise, and he had a twinkle in his eye. He pulled off the trick pretty well, until he cracked a smile. He's so cute.

Thanks again for your prayers.  We still need them... so please don't forget us. Jace is scheduled for his IV chemo and LP this Wednesday, so he has more hard weeks ahead of him. Apparently cancer doesn't slow down for appendectomies. With a new scar on his abdomen, and quite a bit of pain, Jace is still funny and happy though. He doesn't complain. He doesn't act picked on. He just smiles and takes his challenges in stride. Just now when I took his temp he looked at the results before me, and threw the thermometer across the room before I could grab it. I said, "Jace! What was it?"

Grinning a toothy grin- with dimples showing he replied, "Nothing-- don't worry-- I'm perfectly fine."
I didn't have the heart to find the thermometer after that... I'll probably have to find it in a while-- and take his temp again, but for now I think there's a lot of power in his words and mental strength. If he thinks he's ok-- then he will be.

We can do this!
Love you all.

Hospital 3 Days Later

Jace is still in-patient. His fever lived on yesterday, so we're trying new antibiotics. His incision from the appendectomy was revealed this morning for the first time, and it's not little.  Poor little man. No wonder he's hunched over, and afraid to laugh. We've appreciated the cooperation between Jace's surgeon and his cancer docs. Everyone is involved, and we are so grateful for the medical world and people who are really good at what they do.

It's all Hayden can do to go to school. He hates leaving Jace. Matt and I are rotating work days too, so we see each other in passing.  When one of us has to go, we linger at the door with worry. I wonder how long we can live on no sleep??:)

Thank you for your prayers. We feel them.

Hospital

We hoped to go home yesterday, but Jace is still fevering. At 3 AM when some of the medicine had worn off, his temperature was *101.9 again. His body is definitely fighting something...we are cheering aggressively for the good cells in his body to take over. 

I have a hunch that when the doc comes in again this morning, he'll say..."We have to get that fever under control before you can go home."

Jace's Principal, Mr. Boice, wheeled him to find the sunshine.
Thanks Mr. Boice. We love you.

Going for a 'hall walk'

Despite the pain he's in from the appendectomy, Jace persistently walks the halls to keep his lungs free of fluid.  He thinks, the more he walks, the closer he'll be to going home.  He also knows that baseball practice is happening without him, and that makes him crazy.:)  We haven't asked yet, but I wonder how long before his stitches will allow him to swing a bat??

Iron Man Jace

Shouldn't He Be Exempt?

Jace had an emergency appendectomy this morning at 1 AM.  They said it wasn't cancer related, and that  his appendix would have probably burst today had we not brought him to the hospital last night.  

After a whirlwind of a night, we finally stood around Jace's bed at 3 AM as he slept, thankful that the surgery went well... thankful for good doctors...thankful for each other. Then we sort of, quietly looked at each other in disbelief. I'm not sure who said it, but someone uttered, "Shouldn't he be exempt from other illnesses? Wouldn't that be more fair?"  We all nodded in agreement.