So, Jace’s body scared us this week. We have not known real cancer fear for a while, but as Jace found three mysterious lumps in his armpits (lymph nodes) and fought off two, bad, bloody nose episodes in two days, fear took over and camped in our throats. Apparently, I didn’t mask my fear very well either, because there was something about my voice on the phone with Hayd that told him his momma needed him. After we spoke, and without me asking him to, he got into his car and drove 2.5 hours to us. Cancer survivors and their families don’t like finding random lumps. And Jace wasn’t the only one to freak out.
By the time we got an emergency CBC, Matt and I (and Hayd) were beyond stressed too. It is interesting how fear makes a person irrational because our rational brains all knew he was fine. Two doctors and two blood tests in as many days confirmed he is fine. So, Jace is fine! He probably has an infection causing the lumps, and he is taking an antibiotic now to get rid of the scare.
But after the fear calmed a bit, I wouldn’t describe myself as fine. I’m a wreck. I think I am having a delayed emotional reaction because I’m just so grateful that Jace is fine that I can’t stop crying. It’s weird, right? I didn’t realize 'relief tears' are a thing. You might not believe this, especially if you've been following our journey, but I haven't actually 'cancer cried' in a while.:)
My favorite moment of the week was when Hayd appeared in the doorway (on his unscheduled visit home). We had just received the first set of blood results, and we all knew Jace was probably okay. But Hayd came in quickly, hugged me first, and then walked straight to his brother to hug him. After a little longer hug than usual, Hayd pushed Jace away and lovingly cussed at him. “You little sh#%,” he said under his breath, and they both quietly hid their very real tears. I noticed they stayed quite near one another until Hayd left early the next morning to make it back to classes and practice.
I learned through this instant and consuming terror, that my fear of cancer has not really gone away. I have just buried it cautiously hoping we never have to deal with it again. My hypersensitive reaction to a few lumps tells me I need to get a grip! My new goal is to find a way to guard against that kind of consuming fear and be better prepared to deal. Annnd... although I hate that I was so scared, I definitely spent a little longer on my kiddos that night. I memorized their faces again. I kissed both their foreheads before I went to bed, and I was very sure to tell them both how much I love them. Jace’s body gave us a scare and a gift this week because for a few too many minutes we remembered again, what really matters, and I suspect we will not soon forget this wake-up call.
Thanks for your continued support. Love you all.
