I have to admit to all of you who think I'm so strong that I wallowed this morning. It's only fair you know the truth. Especially because many of you are thinking I'm holding it together. Today when we learned Jace needed another blood transfusion, I finally really cried. Matt consoled me and together we decided I am just exhausted. Because Jace was sleeping peacefully at the time (which I know now was because he wasn't getting enough oxygen from his red blood cells), and he wasn't in any pain, I curled up next to him and swam around in my sadness until the hospital room phone rang. Matt had just stepped out to let us sleep, so it was up to me to decide if I was getting the phone. As many of you know, I haven't been answering my cell phone. I've been texting close family, and I'll look to see who calls, but I'm not great at communicating yet. I'll do ok for a few minutes, but then I get that scrunched up face and my voice goes all squeaky when someone asks how things are going. I promise. You don't want to hear it.:) But this time, I heard my cell and didn't look. I just kept crying.
So it surprised me when the hospital phone rang in our room. I looked at it for five rings, and then something told me I needed to pick up. It was my friend. We had a short but great talk, and she ended by explaining something she did in times of sadness: she made a list of the Lord's tender mercies associated with the present situation. It made instant sense to me. I'm so glad she called. As I dried my tears, my head teemed with how many things have been going right. Here's my list:
Tender Mercies
A quick blood test by Miller sent to a pathologist on 9/9
Dr. Speakman finding Dr. Hancock
Dr. Hancock coming back to his office on 9/11
Family: grandparents, parents, brothers, sisters, nieces nephews, and cousins
Primary Children's Hospital
Primary Children's Hospital
Prayer
Nurses Kathleen, Marie, Liz, and Ben
Brilliant doctors
Mike, the Child Life Specialist
Understanding employers and co-workers
Blood donors
Traveling baseball network of friends
Everyone sending love and support
Students
Hayden's sweet spirit
Jace's spunk
I'll post in a while to tell you all the things we learned today. Jace's pizza just arrived.
I am so glad Hayden was able to come and see you today. You were our main topic of conversation at tonights football games. What can we do for the Leatham's? how are they doing? How is Hayden? Don't you just love Jace? Thank goodness Amy has a blog... I read it all day long... me too... I think I am obsessed... me too.... Isn't Amy such a beautiful writer... Yes, she is... she is so amazing... I cry every time I read what she writes... me too.
ReplyDeleteThis is how our conversation went and so on. I know you know this but wow oh wow! You guys are sure loved!
A little note I have been wanting to tell Jace... one of my favorite things about Jace is that you call me Britt. Never Sister Berry, or Mrs. Berry or even Brittney but Britt. For a six year old I think that is pretty cute and funny. He always says, Hi Britt... or What you doing Britt?.. or Britt, where is Sam.
I love that about Jace. It makes me smile.
Have a good nights sleep.
Hey Jace,
ReplyDeleteI bet you loved having Hayden down there to see you!! I bet your Mom and Dad did too. I think you have the best big brother ever!! He is my hero too. The fifth grade boys dedicated their game to you tonight. They wrote Ironman Jace on their arms and played their little hearts out for their hero... YOU!! It was a great game and they won for you. Jace, I hope you get good sleep tonight. You are in my prayers. Give your mom a love for me. I sure love your parents! Sweet dreams tough guy!
Love Paige
I have a list of tender mercies too. On in I have:
ReplyDeleteAn amazing sister who never seizes to teach me, and inspire me
A brother-in-law who is honest, good, and such an awesome example of love
A nephew who leads by example, and is just solid to the core
and then our Jace who is one of my own.
A yard that is connected
and a love that knows no borders.
Love you guys-
emily b
Hey Jace!
ReplyDeleteWe all miss you! We can't wait to have you back in school. Everyone in class keeps mentioning that you are their best friend. We miss our friend. Stay strong and we can't wait to see you!
Mrs. Crowder
Amy, if you need some wallowing time, then you go right ahead and wallow dangit!! We know how strong you and your family are, so you don't need to prove anything to us! We love you! You, Matt, Jace and Hayden are all amazing!
ReplyDeleteJace,
ReplyDeleteI have never been able to have pizza when I've been in the hospital...they must REALLY LOVE you!!! You are so tough! Tell your mom and dad that we love them, and thanks so much for all the stories we get to read on your special blog. We love you Ironman Jace!
Stacie, Greg and kids:)
Jace
ReplyDeleteTonights football game was for you!! The boys had your name all over their arms and Jaxson said he didn't want to wash it off in the shower. Amy I love the talk that was given by Elder Bednar on Tender Mercies of the Lord. Look it up... It's in May 2005 Ensign. We do love you guys and feel such a closeness to you and your little guy. I guess that's what a baseball family will do! :) I think of you always and I too have to admit...I am on the computer more than I should be checking the blog!
Loves
Melissa
Amy (aka the BEST cheer coach ever! :)
ReplyDeleteI must admit I love reading about this little guy, I want you to tell him I remember him as always being tough, I remember the day you came to cheer practice and told us that Jace had fallen out of his high chair and you said you cried more than he did! Know that we are thinking of you guys and you are in our prayers!
Melissa Katseanes (Dowdy)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis post really got to me. I was just talking to my mom this morning about how Jace's cancer has really affected me. I can't remember the last time I actually saw you, Amy. I have many happy memories of you and Emily and your family from my childhood. However, because I am a bit younger, I am sure you made a much bigger impact in my life than I in yours. I remember meeting both your boys a few years ago. I was at my parents just after my dad had had surgery and your mom had brought over some much welcomed homemade bread. She had both of your handsome guys with her. I believe that is the only time I have ever spent with Jace, so it's interesting to me that I feel so connected to him now.
ReplyDeleteI want to tell you something that I hope will not come off the wrong way. I even hesitate to say it, but here I go. As I read your post just now, I was literally nodding my head in agreement. As I watched members of my family go through painful experiences, and had some of my own, I slowly came to the realization that every single trial in our lives has blessings and mercies in tow. I am amazed that so soon after this nightmare started, you have been able to list the blessings. Look at how this one, brave, little boy has bound an entire community tighter together, a community that reaches far beyond the borders of Hibbard. The mountains that I am climbing right now instantaneously became mole hills... no... ant hills. Jace is impacting thousands of people. Do you know that Jace? Thank you for being brave and strong, Jace, and thank you, Amy, for sharing his story.
Much Love - Jaime Jones Leuschen
Blogs are wonderful things. You can keep us all informed without having to tell us individually. I don't blame you. I wouldn't answer my phone either. Too much emotional energy expended that needs to be spent in another direction. You have so many people praying for you. I am one.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great family you have. Each and every one of you. I've read all your posts up to now and shed a tear when I read about the Primary songs. What a wonderful thing. I still sing those songs myself. When I'm happy, when I'm feeling a little scared, when I'm sad. They really help heal the soul, and maybe they help heal our bodies a bit too. Who knows. Love you guys. Mike and Linda Mitchell
Jace! We just saw you on the news...you are such a little stud! Now you have even more people rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteHey Amy,I never went through anything close but I've had my daughter in Primary's I alway felt better after I cried, after I let it all out. I have to tell you how great I think this blog is, I was the phone person when my mom was ill and my phone rang all day and night, it really sucked having to repeat all the news a thousand times over. Thankyou for doing this to keep us all updated and for protecting yourself and your family. Thankyou. Erica Fuller
ReplyDeleteMatt and Amy the blog makes me cry as I check back each day to see how Jace is doing, and tonight is no exception. It is amazing how at a time like this the tender mercies of the Lord come into play. May you continue to be blessed with tender mercies! I hope that you can get some rest so that you can deal with all that you need to deal with!
ReplyDeleteJace I just watched the news and guess who was on there, yup YOU!! Wow they are having a pep rally for you tomorrow at your school!! I'll bet you're on the news again tomorrow!! Not only am I going to check your blog but now I've got to watch the news too!
Hello Jace's family. Tonight I stumbled across your blog by mistake really- a link from a friend of a friend's blog, who had talked about your recent news. I quickly realized that it was by no coincidence that I stumbled into your blog. We are from Rexburg and were in your exact shoes nearly one year ago, when our then 18 month old daughter was diagnosed with ALL. We know and feel your pain. I cried as I read through your posts because I understand firsthand. Dr. Hancock is our Dr. as well and we too spend quite some time at Primary Children's. So few people understand this difficult journey, but being one year into it, I'd love to help you guys any way I could. I have a blog (that is private), but would love to send you and invite, as I've recorded our year's journey through cancer. I know for me, being able to meet, see, read, know someone else who has gone through this was the most helpful and consoling thing for me. You've got a hard road ahead, I will not lie, but it truly does get easier and better as you get through the first 8-10 months. Please email me your email address if you're interested in reading our blog during your "down" time. I would be so willing to be a resource in any way to your family- we've kindof blazed the first trail with pediatric cancer in Rexburg-I'd love to give you some heads up! My email is
ReplyDeletenatalie-taylor@hotmail.com. P.S. We have a Jace too in our family. Hang in there, sounds like you've got a lot of support behind you. I promise you can get through this. Sincerely, Natalie Taylor (fellow Idahoan)
I am an avid blogger. I have read blogs about so many things, so when I saw your sweet little man on the news tonight, I knew I had to check out his blog and see how he is doing. I have a 7 year old son, and as I have sat here and read the words you have wrote I cry. I cry because as a mother I can see myself as you. My heart aches for you and your husband. But please know, we are all praying for you...people who don't even know you but just heard about you on the news are praying for your family. Jace is such an amazing kid!!! He is strong, I can tell! :) And you are amazing....both you and your husband. Thank you for sharing your story with our community and I will be checking back daily to hear of his progress. Thank you also for this post, for reminding us all to look at the tender mercies that the Lord gives us each and every day....to be thankful for what we have and what we are blessed with. You truely are amazing!
ReplyDeleteJen
Mrs. L. this blog is a godsend. you and your family and especially your ironman are in our thoughts and prayers. word is getting around the high school now- and all you hear is what an amazing sweet teacher you are and how we all kow jace will make it through this. people are beginning to rally together make sure and tell Jace that he did this.. he is responsible for pulling us together. what a little stud :] just know how much your family is loved and that i pray for you every night.
ReplyDeleteWe made it home safe, but I am not going to call, in case you are asleep. Mom
ReplyDeleteThis blog is wonderful and is being beautifully written. It's changing the lives of those who are reading it, I just know it. How could it not? I don't think I could say it any better than Jaime just did. Jace, may you feel our prayers and know that even though some of us are strangers to you... we'll cry with you when you're hurting and we'll smile with you when you're happy; but know that no matter what... we'll all stay faithful and optimistic for you.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love- Stacie Jones Larsen
Tonight at the 5th Grade Football game I had to take a step back and catch my breath and say a little prayer thanking my Heavenly Father for you Jace. You bring out the good in people. Especially in a group of boys who are older than you.
ReplyDeleteTonight you were their hero, as they played football and wore your name on their arm "Ironman Jace #33" written in sharpie marker none the less. Not some NFL players name but their friend and buddy.
Matt and Amy I just have to add how greatful I am that my boys have such good friends that bring out the best in them like Hayden and Jace
do. Granted I might be a little bias and say that I think boys are the best :) but I think a mom is allowed. One last thing - I found this quote today that I wanted to share.
- Joy shared is joy doubled and sorrow shared is sorrow halfed. - Swedish Proverb
Have a good night :o) Love Erin
I have to tell you that when the pictures for this post popped up, my tears were happy tears. Happy because for the first time since we said goodbye to you last Friday I can see your glow and your spark. That picture of you with the stethoscope looks more like you than a few of the others. I can't even guess at what the conversation around this picture might have been, but I think you might have been being a little mischievous. Normally that might be a bad thing. ; ) But today I am grateful. I am grateful that you are up off your back with a genuine grin on your face and hopefully giving your mom and dad a little 6 year old 'grief'. (Sorry Matt & Amy for wishing that upon you)
ReplyDeleteI'm not gonna lie and say that it's been easy having to look at pictures of you suffering and not being there with you and your parents, but know that we couldn't be prouder of the strength you are using and the fight you are putting up. We are all proud of you, even Gabby, who has been trying to tell everyone we see, including the strangers at Aeropostale, that Jace has ouchies. She has to take a peek at your picture throughout the day, whenever it pops into her little one year old brain, and then she scrunches her nose and makes a sad face. Then she's off until the next time she thinks about you. Dayton has been counting down the days until we get to come see you. And boy was he a proud cousin when they were talking about you on the news. He couldn't believe that you were on TV! He comes to look at the computer any time we open it to see if we are checking your blog. However, he's a little more reserved about wanting to see your pictures each day because it makes him worried and a little nervous for you, though he'd never admit it. He really didn't like the one where you were getting your chemo. But, he does remind us that he is praying to Heavenly Father to make you better so we shouldn't worry because 'Heavenly Father always answers his prayers.' I guess since Dayton prayed that we'd have another baby, and you know how that turned out ; ), you can be expecting great things.
Matt, Amy and Hayd we love you too, just as much and couldn't be prouder of the courage and strength you have. You might not realize it or even feel it, but the world can see it and because of it you are lifting everyone else up, especially me.
Love you guys & goodnight!
~Laura~
AMY! oh how I love reading this blog..I almost came and said hi yesterday..I peeked in the door and saw you sitting by jace on his bed and I didn't want to interrupt..BUT I must say you are amazing and I LOVE reading your posts. IF only every family with a child with cancer could be as uplifting as you! Jace is SOO incredibly lucky for his family support. I'm proud of you for all you have learned you sound very educated. Kids like Jace are very blessed to have moms like you. 3 days down..
ReplyDeleteps I saw Haydn yesterday walking around the hospital and holy cow has he grown! He looked so cute..and old!
good luck to you all..One of these Mondays when things calm down for you I will definitely come say hi.
Jace,
ReplyDeletemy niece Mckenna Luthy says to tell you that ''You are so funny, the cooliest kid in the class, sorry that you are sick & hope that you get better soon'' she also told me that she thinks that you are so cute and she hopes that you come back to school really soon.
Amy
I am obsessed with Jace's blog I haven't seen you in forever and I have never seen your son, but I just wanted to tell you I am praying for your family and your in my thoughts through out each day. You amaze me as a mother I could never imagine what you and your husband are going through but if I ever am faced with something similar I hope I could find the strength to get up each day and make the best of it.. YOU are trully amazing.. My neice that is in Jaces class has been telling me all these things about Jace and what a fun kid... I find my self thinking about Luke and your parents and I wonder how my family would be, through something like this.. I hope things get better and JACE can stay POSITIVE off all the support from everyone.. I am taken back to know how much a 6 year old means to so so many people... IT IS JUST AMAZING..
Holly Park Jensen