You Are Amazing

Two hours ago Matt suggested I put the computer away. Jace fell asleep at 9 PM!! (a record for our stay here), and we were more than ready to sleep. I was catching up on the comments from the day, and as soon as I finished I closed my laptop, put my phone on silent, and rested my head on the pillow.

But...tonight I have the chair by Jace's bed. Last night Matt took this shift. We've decided at least one of us needs to try to be rested in order to be strong the next day. Our dear friend brought in an itty, bitty air matress that barely fits behind the rocking chair on the floor, so we've traded nights on it. (Don't tell on us though. We're pretty sure it's not allowed. We were told that only one parent can stay with the child, but for "a first time diagnosis family," they bend the rules...).

Having the chair by the bed means it's hard to sleep, because all I can do is look at Jace. His precious face is illuminated by the permanent nightlight in the room, and he's restless. He's tossing and turning, and even in sleep you can tell he doesn't feel well. Then my thoughts drift to wondering how I might be responsible for his current health. PLEASE don't send me comments like, "Don't beat yourself up," and "It's not your fault." My brain knows that, but you have to cut me a little slack as a mom-- because I'm going to wonder in my heart. I guarantee you would too. When you hear cancer buzz words like genetics and DNA it's hard not to. I also try to see into the future a bit and imagine my Jace as a 6'3" dimple-faced, 18 year old. I'm envisioning the largest party you've ever attended. From west to east coasts, you'd all be invited to celebrate our victory...and maybe not just ours. Maybe we could celebrate for everyone who has ever fought for their lives against this raging monster called cancer that attacks families and homes and communities.

In addition to watching Jace, I'm sitting here wondering from where you all came. Matt and I have heard what you are doing, and we just can't believe your efforts. From praying -- to organizing a dinner-- to setting up a donation account-- cleaning our house-- moving furniture to clean carpets-- running 5Ks in Jace's name-- and creating hand-made bracelets that say Ironman... we honestly just shake our heads in amazement of why we are so fortunate to have the support we have. Honestly, Matt and I don't deserve it-- but I know the real reason you are doing it. It's because you see what we see when we look into Jace's eyes. Thanks again everyone. We really do love you all. 'Night.