"Hope Now"

I can’t sleep this morning. My brain won’t stop. So many things are swirling around in it including the juggling act school has added to our world, and the “Cancer Service Project” we are doing on Saturday. Jace also has chemo next week, including an LP with general anesthesia. In addition to these details, I can’t believe it’s been A YEAR since our world changed. So, now because I can’t sleep, I’ve been reminiscing by reading the blog posts from last September, and for the first time, in a long time, I’m letting those blasted tears fall again. I’ve told some of you this, but until this summer, I couldn’t read BACK even one blog entry. The reality of Jace’s illness wouldn’t allow my heart to even think about yesterday. I had to look ahead- move ahead- survive the day…or the hour, whichever it took. But this morning I’ve been reading. Here are a few excerpts from the first posts in our cancer journey:


“Friday morning (9-11-09) Matt went to work, and I stayed home with Jace. Around 10 AM Jace decided he wanted to bath. Normally he spends an hour in the bath if I let him, and after three songs on his Primary CD, he was ready to get out. He was shaky and he had to sit down, wrapped in his blanket, on the toilet. He said, I’m so dizzy mom. I helped him comb his hair and brush his teeth, and I had to carry him back to the couch. He said he heard a hissing in his ears. He even said, “I don’t want to die, mom.” Kneeling in front of him I assured him he wasn’t going to die…”


“…I’m just looking at his file right now. I think you better bring him in again.” 

 “…We are driving to Salt Lake now. It is 8:03 PM. Matt and I take turns crying. Everyone is calling. Hayden has a scared look in his eyes, and Jace is finally asleep. He’s had blood drawn 5 times in the last 60 hours. He cried worse every time. The last time at 4:15, Matt and I were both crying with him…”

  “…Primary Children's Hospital: We are checked in, and it's not just a giant nightmare. It's almost 2 AM and they just came in after looking at the latest blood draw and said Jace needs more blood. His red blood cells aren't carrying enough oxygen to his major organs, and his heart rate is too high. They just took more blood, and they should have a positive match within a couple of hours. Jace is being such a sweetheart; when he saw my dripping tears while I listened to the doctor, he started rubbing my back…”

“…If you are reading this, please pray for Jace. Whatever form of positive faith and energy you can send our way will not go unrecognized.”

Wow, right? Did we really live through that??

I have a new favorite song.
It's called, "Hope Now" by Addison Road.
Some of the lyrics state:

If everything comes down to love,

Then just what am I afraid of?

When I call out Your name,

Something inside awakes in my soul

How quickly I forget I am Yours.

I am not my own.

I’ve been carried by You,

All my life.

Everything rides on HOPE now.

Everything rides on FAITH somehow.

When the world has broken me down.

Your love sets me Free...

The truth is, for the last entire year we HAVE been carried by our loving Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Everything truly does ride on HOPE and FAITH now, and I am so grateful for these blessings in our lives.

So although this morning I’ve been a little tearful, I have to admit it feels really great to say ADIOS to the last year…to fear…and sadness… I am full of HOPE for the future and an undying FAITH in an atoning Redeemer.

We are moving on, CANCER! …and we’d prefer it if you DON’T follow us!

Two years of chemo left.
We can do it.